Nothing is quite the way it was after time has passed. Enough time passes like a river and erodes the walls of the bank as if to say “nothing you do will stop me”. As some age and some wisdom with that age has come to me I have become quite different than I used to be. I was at one point in time considered a man of faith, some might even have said great faith. As a little time came and with that the consideration of who I am and I realized all at once that I didn’t believe as I once did. I was caught in an altered universe a realm where I never thought I would be however I was glad to be there. I am glad I am here. You see when I was young I believed blindly everything I was told while always thinking of the possibility of something else. Always considering the “what if” factor of my proposed religion. What if this was all wrong? What if this was all a sham put on by some to facilitate and appear as something real. And as I entertained these questions I began to realize that it all seemed to much like the other proposed, and falsified religions of the rest of the world so I began my great journey to find the truth. If you were to ask the general population if they knew the truth then most of them would probably agree that they knew that truth no matter how seemingly different it was than another persons. And this is where my questions arose. How does one human know beyond all prejudice and with the ability to look beyond his or her own paradigm that they know the truth and someone else doesn’t? Were they granted favoritism or some kind of elevated mental and emotional processing ability to sniff out the lies amidst the rubble of confusion and find the right answer? Like a basset hound on his search for an illegal substance that would show him approved to his owners. Most Americans especially think that they were granted such favoritism and that they were lucky to be raised in such a God-like nation where they could believe what they wanted and no one would ever question them in that belief. But you see, I think they’re wrong. The only difference with America and a nation where you don’t have religional freedom is that we can’t be killed for what we believe and I would agree that that is an amazing freedom and I am grateful for it. However it’s not quite so free as one would perceive. Ask a Muslim man or women if they’re free here and watch their response and then tell me that we live in the greatest nation in the world where we can do what we deem good but discriminate against anyone who doesn’t see things like I see them. Ask a homosexual how free they are. If you go to any church in America today you’ll here preached a message very similar to the next message and you’ll nod your head and say amen and hallelujah depending on your level of perceived faith. But you see I disagree with all of it. I don’t see the truth in it. I don’t see that one religion is right over the next. No what I see is men making man made conclusions based on things that they have no proof over and no evidence of it yet they base there entire existence upon such conclusions and are hailed as righteous because of it. I suppose the more I think of it the more I adhere to the denomination of agnostic. I don’t what the truth is. But what I do know is who I am. I know that I love freely and wholeheartedly without restriction or restraint. I know that I love life and pursuing the fullness of it. I know that there are too many people in the world to worry about who is right and who is wrong but to only worry about sharing my life with them in whatever capacity I am granted. This is my only concern as of today. I have no other great mission or calling other than to love and be loved and to help in whatever way I can. To serve selflessly and to laugh as much as I can with everyone around me.
However I do find myself sometimes reverting back to my old train of thought. Some would say that it’s because that’s the truth and that in my deepest of hearts I know that to be true. I would say something different. It’s because it’s all I’ve done all my life. If I need help right then and I don’t have any hope of doing it on my own I pray and beg Gods grace and mercy to help me in my moment of need. Whether or not it’s God coming through for me is much to large of a question for me to answer. There are compelling arguments for both sides. But I wonder still if it’s right. And so here is my greatest question. What about me if I find myself lacking after denying Christ or any other traditional train of thought? Is there grace for me too? Will the savior of the world look at me and turn his back because I turned on him? I can only say I hope not. You see I know how wretched I am. I know my thoughts and all I’ve done wrong and I can only hope that there’s enough time left in my life to try to make up for the deficit that’s left. I fear however that I can’t do enough good to counter the bad. And if there’s grace for me and all my questions and doubts is there grace for someone else like me. Do I have to abandon all reason and questions for a faith I don’t feel in my heart is right? Will God look at me with love as I look at him and all he’s made? Will he one day smile at me as he explains what all this is for? Will I laugh on eternities sky and realize why is had to hurt so bad? Is there grace for me too? Is he as merciful as I once thought he was? I would propose that if God exists than he would be good and much less prejudice than a Christian, Muslim, Jew, or Buddhist would say. At least I would hope so. So quite simply put this is where a shadow of a raging river used to be and I am tracing the empty creek bed on a lingering walk reminiscing who I used to be, who I am now, and glad of both. I wouldn’t change a thing. I am happy and fulfilled and grateful for my life as it is now. All I can say is Thank you. -Brett

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