Nothing is quite the way it was after time has passed. Enough time passes like a river and erodes the walls of the bank as if to say “nothing you do will stop me”. As some age and some wisdom with that age has come to me I have become quite different than I used to be. I was at one point in time considered a man of faith, some might even have said great faith. As a little time came and with that the consideration of who I am and I realized all at once that I didn’t believe as I once did. I was caught in an altered universe a realm where I never thought I would be however I was glad to be there. I am glad I am here. You see when I was young I believed blindly everything I was told while always thinking of the possibility of something else. Always considering the “what if” factor of my proposed religion. What if this was all wrong? What if this was all a sham put on by some to facilitate and appear as something real. And as I entertained these questions I began to realize that it all seemed to much like the other proposed, and falsified religions of the rest of the world so I began my great journey to find the truth. If you were to ask the general population if they knew the truth then most of them would probably agree that they knew that truth no matter how seemingly different it was than another persons. And this is where my questions arose. How does one human know beyond all prejudice and with the ability to look beyond his or her own paradigm that they know the truth and someone else doesn’t? Were they granted favoritism or some kind of elevated mental and emotional processing ability to sniff out the lies amidst the rubble of confusion and find the right answer? Like a basset hound on his search for an illegal substance that would show him approved to his owners. Most Americans especially think that they were granted such favoritism and that they were lucky to be raised in such a God-like nation where they could believe what they wanted and no one would ever question them in that belief. But you see, I think they’re wrong. The only difference with America and a nation where you don’t have religional freedom is that we can’t be killed for what we believe and I would agree that that is an amazing freedom and I am grateful for it. However it’s not quite so free as one would perceive. Ask a Muslim man or women if they’re free here and watch their response and then tell me that we live in the greatest nation in the world where we can do what we deem good but discriminate against anyone who doesn’t see things like I see them. Ask a homosexual how free they are. If you go to any church in America today you’ll here preached a message very similar to the next message and you’ll nod your head and say amen and hallelujah depending on your level of perceived faith. But you see I disagree with all of it. I don’t see the truth in it. I don’t see that one religion is right over the next. No what I see is men making man made conclusions based on things that they have no proof over and no evidence of it yet they base there entire existence upon such conclusions and are hailed as righteous because of it. I suppose the more I think of it the more I adhere to the denomination of agnostic. I don’t what the truth is. But what I do know is who I am. I know that I love freely and wholeheartedly without restriction or restraint. I know that I love life and pursuing the fullness of it. I know that there are too many people in the world to worry about who is right and who is wrong but to only worry about sharing my life with them in whatever capacity I am granted. This is my only concern as of today. I have no other great mission or calling other than to love and be loved and to help in whatever way I can. To serve selflessly and to laugh as much as I can with everyone around me.
However I do find myself sometimes reverting back to my old train of thought. Some would say that it’s because that’s the truth and that in my deepest of hearts I know that to be true. I would say something different. It’s because it’s all I’ve done all my life. If I need help right then and I don’t have any hope of doing it on my own I pray and beg Gods grace and mercy to help me in my moment of need. Whether or not it’s God coming through for me is much to large of a question for me to answer. There are compelling arguments for both sides. But I wonder still if it’s right. And so here is my greatest question. What about me if I find myself lacking after denying Christ or any other traditional train of thought? Is there grace for me too? Will the savior of the world look at me and turn his back because I turned on him? I can only say I hope not. You see I know how wretched I am. I know my thoughts and all I’ve done wrong and I can only hope that there’s enough time left in my life to try to make up for the deficit that’s left. I fear however that I can’t do enough good to counter the bad. And if there’s grace for me and all my questions and doubts is there grace for someone else like me. Do I have to abandon all reason and questions for a faith I don’t feel in my heart is right? Will God look at me with love as I look at him and all he’s made? Will he one day smile at me as he explains what all this is for? Will I laugh on eternities sky and realize why is had to hurt so bad? Is there grace for me too? Is he as merciful as I once thought he was? I would propose that if God exists than he would be good and much less prejudice than a Christian, Muslim, Jew, or Buddhist would say. At least I would hope so. So quite simply put this is where a shadow of a raging river used to be and I am tracing the empty creek bed on a lingering walk reminiscing who I used to be, who I am now, and glad of both. I wouldn’t change a thing. I am happy and fulfilled and grateful for my life as it is now. All I can say is Thank you. -Brett
How do I start this off? What I’m going to say here must be carefully put so I must be somewhat delicate. I’m sorry but what I’m going to say here isn’t terribly important, not life altering or especially politically correct. I’m quite sure this may be met by some oposition and people will probably disagree with me wholeheartedly. However I still feel that this is something I want to say out loud, no matter the ill thoughts or voiced concerns that might be received. But before you get too involved let me preface what you read here a little more. As I said previously this is not a life altering or terribly important train of thought. This is just something I was thinking about and wanted to share my position. So if you’re looking for a nugget of truth or an inspiring notation to get you through the day, I have to tell you in advance that you’re probably going to be sorely disappointed at the end. However if you have an extra minute and are interested in my opinion and personal preference then please continue on.
There are certain luxuries in our culture that we know of as poor to our health and some of the time these luxuries are looked down upon by the general population. Take coffee for example, not looked down on but certainly a luxury most en devour to attain on a daily basis seemingly no matter the cost. One will say “this cup of coffee is going to cost at least half of what it’s going to cost for you to eat today but it’s the best there is.” And you will make every effort to receive this cup of ambition every morning on your way to work or after the movies with your friends. Sitting on your front porch on a beautiful morning as the wind blows softly through your neighborhood and you smile because at the moment life is wonderful, you and your cup of joe. Yes, you will do almost anything for this luxury and right you should. I heard a line from a movie not long ago telling us to “Enjoy the little things.” But none-the-less this luxury is, for all intensive reasons, poor to the condition of physical well being. Coffee is very hard on our bodies. It dehydrates us and pulls calcium from our bones. In many cases individuals develop a strong dependency on caffine but it is, however, good to the condition of our emotional health. I believe we should have little things that we look forward to every now and again that help us relax or prepare for the day. There are many more luxuries much like the one I just mentioned but the one I am interested in and the reason for this verbose narrative is…well…Smoking. I have a personality not like most. I find I have self restraint in areas where people don’t usually have self restraint. Now please understand I’m not patting myself on the back here, I just downed an entire large chocolate milk shake from Burger king about an hour ago and there are many down sides to this personality trait but for the moment it’s a good thing to not have an addictive personality like some. So as a result of the ability to stop indulging when it’s time to stop indulging (in most cases) I can observe some luxuries that others have deemed too dangerous or too addictive like, well, smoking. Now don’t get all crazy here, I’m not like an avid smoker or anything, I think I’ve bought four packs in my whole life and I’m not necessarily condoning it either but I still enjoy a cigarette every now and again. Today I had one of those days, you know the ones where you wake up and from the get go everything goes very wrong. You all of the sudden receive an unexpected bill that’s past due or your car brakes down and you don’t have enough money in your account to handle all of it, or much much worse. Well that day for me was today. I woke up realizing my car was making a very strange noise and I tried to take it to an auto parts store to see if they could diagnose the problem and they couldn’t. So I went back out to my car and realized there was a leak and I was losing coolant, this is a reoccurring problem for me and any car I have so I immediately become very frustrated. I was then on my way to go to the county clerks office to change a court date I would have the following week and they told me to come back the following day and hopefully someone would be there. So I then went to work where my boss was in a particularly pitiful mood and was very short with me and seemed to be criticizing my every move and me, being that my main form of receiving love is verbal encouragement, lets just say I was ready for this day to be over. After I got off work I went over to a friends house and there on the counter was a pack of marlboro lights, my favorite brand. I asked him for one and he insisted that he had one with me, likewise our other friend decided to join us. As we stood and puffed I expressed very vividly how frustrating my day was and the cigarette did was cigarettes do. I was calm and collected and I wasn’t quite so angry with the circumstances of the day. I noticed the scent doesn’t bother me like it does others, actually I’m quite fond of it. I realized that like many many others I enjoy smoking on occasion. Now please note that I’m very aware that if left unchecked this little indulgence can and will turn into something that controls my life but for the moment it’s simply a luxury for special times. So no matter what your indulgence is whether it be coffee, a drink after work or with friends or just for the hell of it, or possibly a smoke every now and again, enjoy the little things and please smoke responsibly.
Thanks for reading
Brett
Hello,
I haven’t posted anything on my blog in some time. I think about it everyday but I just never really get around to it. I suppose it’s because it’s because I really don’t have anything that is that important to me to say. But today I have something that I need to tell you about.
My brother and I had lunch with a guy that goes to my brothers church several months ago. His name is Art. He is 51 years old and full of life. Art is a Manager for several musicians and a sound engineer, one of the best in Nashville. He’s been involved in music most all of his life, since he was 16. He’s travelled all over the world and with some of the biggest music legends to walk the planet.
Four weeks ago Art was told that he had 6 days to 3 weeks to live. He’s had very high blood pressure all of his life and because he has had a pretty busy life he hasn’t taken the best care of himself until about 6 years ago. However the damage has been done. the arteries in his heart have blown holes in them because of the high blood pressure that he’s had for so long. He came this morning to spend thanksgiving with us and he’s just been telling us story after unbelievable story. Every other thing that comes out of his mouth is a crack up one liner. He just laughs so much. It’s so easy for me to listen to him. He is acting so normal as if everything is fine.
The more time I spend with him the more I realize that he and I get a long really well and that in any other circumstance he and I would be very close friends. But he only has a few days left in this place and when I listen to him I find myself fighting off tears. In a little while, any minute now, Art won’t be here anymore. His love of life, his knowledge of just about anything you want to talk about, his wisdom will all be gone.
I see a lot of myself in him, his freedom, his love of life, his joy; I see me in him and someone that I want to become. At this point in my life I find myself so discontent with where and who I am. I feel defeated and scared. I don’t have any plans for the future only that which I think of to do for the next 5 minutes in front me. I feel like a plain in the sunset with no where to land. I don’t think it was any accident that Art is about to leave and I’m starting my life and that we came into each others life now.
I’m going to spend the next few weeks with him and try to learn what I can from him until I move away or he leaves. So I’m gonna try to blog about our times together because I feel like I’m suppose to learn something and grow from this beautiful mans life.
Brett
Do you ever wonder about things that people think when they look at you, like the thoughts that propetually roll throughout their mind for no longer than a second after you just said a painstakingly obvious or ludicris statement. like today or everyday, i said something of a peculiar nature to a group of people and they all just kinda looked my direction like an unfortunate young boy who happnes to weigh more than your usual 5th grader has just walked up and is now flooding their currently occupied space, this boy of extreme stature who is obviously not supposed to be their due to the looks of the individuals who are in the center of the conversation, and i felt like i was a complete outcast. Then it hit me, ya see so many people have an expectation of what you should be, a perfectly rounded specimen, no acne, no suprises, absolutley funny, and never deep. because if he posesses(don’t know if i spelled that one right) words that challenge you more than you ought after the test you had previously bombed then of course the looks that would cause a 12 year old to cry would definetly be thrown violently his way. i mean what makes one person different from another, we’re all different, just some of us are better at hiding it, thats all. The different thoughts of people are all amazing, all created to be different, so that we wouldn’t ever get bored, am i really that abnormal? Did God make a mistake when he made me, i mean i realize that i’ve got a long ways to go as far as the spiritual aspect of my life is concerned, but none-the-less i hope that you would love me, i love you, each of you. Just a thought…
Written Sunday December 11, 2005
Our instructions didn’t read this horribly
It was like shampoo without the rinse and repeat step
It never said to rinse ourselves of this
It never said to repeat either.
What of us now,
Are we softer and feathered to perfection
Or are we colder and scared to starvation
Anything to protect us now
Anything at all
Was it me
Did I not function properly
I can only function how i was made to function
If I was given wings to fly I could fly
But I wasn’t so I can’t
What do you think?
Are we broken so never to try again
can friends be reborn as friends
Or do they die with winter and never see spring again
Our instructions should read rinse and redo
It’s scary, frightfully terrifying
So now dear friend, I will leave this entirely up to you
I’ll be here when you see fit
And the good lord brings spring again
It’s raining today, it rains everyday
Ok so This week has been really good for me. God taught me so much this week and i hope that it can be applied to you aswell. All my life people (satan) has spoken death over me. Things like “you’re stupid, you’re ugly, you’re not talented, you’ll never make it, you’re weak” And all my life i’ve stepped into these roles. I find myself believing that i’m not smart and i’m not good looking and that i’ve got nothing to offer anyone but now i know that all those things are lies. So i’ve decided that i’m not going to let people speak those words over me anymore. I am smart, I’m damn smart. And i’m good looking too, i’ve got acne, deal with it and i do have alot to offer everyone. I am A child of God!
Now please don’t take this as me being arrogant or self righteous. I’m just stepping into the role that God has placed over me.
I was talking to a dear friend of mine one time and i said something and then i said “I’m sorry i’m that smart” as a joke and she looked at me as if i had just insulted her entire family and said “Take that back! Don’t you dare speak those words over your life! You take that back!” And now i finally get it.
Speak words of life over your life and watch how you become those things you speak. For example, if you want to be better guitarist and you think you suck Say to yourelf ”You are a good guitarist” even if you don’t believe it completely say it anyway, say it out loud several times if you have to so that you can hear it. Then watch as you become that thing that you said. All of our lives we’re taught to be humble and operate in humility and i think we should do that. However people have forgotten to take compliments. You say to someone “Wow you look great” then they say “Oh it’s just the shirt”. And someone says to you “Man looks like you aren’t to best looking guy or girl in the world” and you say back “I know, i know” and hang your head in belief. REVERSE IT! If someone gives you a compliment, say “thank you i appreciate that” and if someone cuts you down say ” shut up, thats not true”. Step into the authority that God has given you and become the prince or princess that you are!!! You are good and Gods. Anyway just something to think about. I hope you find joy in today. -brett
I heard the sound of the summer wind in the distance
It’s wings were glorious and free
I saw the breeze on the northern shores
They were so happy, serene.
There was an elephant there
His name was Herold
He told me that everything’s under control
That it’s all in it’s right place
So I Sat by the wind and laughed
We joked and held the palms of our hands to the sky
He was happy to have to our company
and I was happy to have his
It’s 1:49 in the am on saturday Febuary the 16th 2008 and I can’t seem to sleep for the life of me. I am suppose to play a game of rugby in about 12 hours and i need all the sleep i can get. But I don’t suppose that’s going to happen on this night. My head keeps turning back and forth, going from one extreme to the next. Am I good enough? Strong enough? Am I normal? Is there anything wrong with me? Does anyone care? I have a hard time with people. I’m not as good you as you might think. Some might not think that highly of me in the first place…thats fine…I suppose. This place that i’m at, it feels so alone. I feel so enclosed from the rest of the world. The running is the hardest part for me. You see, in this life, this life with God, we’re not supposed to stay in one place, we’re supposed to run as fast as we can into Gods infinite embrace. Because no matter how cold and alone the world gets we don’t have to be alone and cold, we can be warm and loved and excepted by him who truly matters. But I forgot to chase him, I’ve been so busy thinking about how there’s no one chasing me that i forgot about him, My Love.
It’s sad they were this age
Still drowning in the deepend
Only place I swim
It’s hard at times to notice just how beautiful the world can be. But it really is beautiful. Feel the grass between your toes, and the wind on your face and fingertips. Smell the earth as it opens itself up to you. Close your eyes and spread your arms as you look to the heavens in wonder. Run the feilds you cry in. Climb the trees your sleep under and when you get to the top look about and never forget this moment.
Breath deep this moment, Breath deep as God rushes through your veins like a drug that doesn’t go away. And when it is all over and the dream doesn’t seem to end, know with everything you are that you are good enough, strong enough! And there is nothing wrong with you, you are exactly where you are suppose to be. Also know that you are not normal. You are a child of God and he does care about you and your life and with his freedom you can chase the world into the night and laugh in knowing you’re unstoppable. And they will shudder when they hear your coming. They will run in fear and all you do is smile and destroy walls that confine and domesticate us into a plow. You will be immortal!
So with this thought and me at 2:30 in the morning it’s ok to feel this way. It’s ok to feel as one. Apparently I’m supposed to feel like this maybe for no other reason than to be writing this down. Maybe just for you. Embrace this time and live at peace. The world is your play ground, and you should live guiltless and free, you are completely serene.
I’ve never felt so alone…
And I’ve never been so alive!
Sweet dreams -Brett
I watched a sunrise this morning
It was so beautiful, i wished you could’ve seen it
The sky turned orange and yellow and purple
as the day fought it’s way into the night.
and i was turned into stone
I lived in the night all my days
and the night is all I know
I pray for you in all my ways
But into the night you’ll never go
So I waited for your day
I wanted to see what you see
So I waited and prayed
I knew the sun would kill me soon
But I’d rather see the world one last time
Than see another moon.
I hoped that maybe i could see you
There exist jars of dreams that preserve
Life’s unknowns and always-have-knowns.
When the lids are unscrewed and twisted
Off the confines of our minds,
Strawberry robins and blueberry
Jays dart speedily into a world
Of nymphs and silver linings,
And our lives then bear much fruit and seed.
Watch now, little dream bird, for the skies
You swim can drown even you!
They’ll open up great and wide
And welcome your wings to move
Like the wind and flap like a blanket
Hushing a fire. A hypnotist’s crystal,
You’ll hit balls like Mantle and birth
Word as Shelley once did.
You’ll realize there’s more jam in your jar
Than can be seen through glass walls and shudder
In knowing it’s been there all the while.
